IC Contact

[tacticalturtleneck]

[Pick your poison.]


1. Hey, this is Archer. How are you doing? [A pause.] Great, glad to hear it! Also glad to hear you're talking to an automated message. HAHA, SUCKER! Leave one!

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2. Holy shit, did you just see that?! [Paaaaaaaause.] That was you falling for the answering machine trick again! God, when you are going to learn?

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3. Welcome to Ask Archer, where you can ask me what you want and I'll answer your question in public and embarrass you in front of everyone. Maybe you'll learn something. Leave it.

Comments

[herotypical]

Once upon a time.

[ she did indeed literally live in the valley. once. but then dad cheated on mom and -- well. the rest of that story requires a stiff drink and all the good stuff is still currently pooling at her feet. ]

[tacticalturtleneck]

This.

Changes.

Everything.

[herotypical]

But does it? Does it really?

[ she knows it does. she might just revel in it for a moment longer. she likes it when they underestimate her. ]

[tacticalturtleneck]

Well, duh. It gives me a whole new pool of sick burns to nail you with.

Figuratively, not literally.

[herotypical]

You'll find I don't burn so easily.

[ except she's huffing. again. and turning away so she might venture feet deeper into this creepy old armoury. god, she needs a sword in her hand. stat. ]

[tacticalturtleneck]

Whatever you say, 90210.

[Yeah, he's looking for a badass Claymore. Archer wants one so badly.]

[herotypical]

Am I supposed to be insulted? That show kicked butt. Excellent veg material.

[ go! go fondle your claymores! buffy is bee-lining for something a little more in the wicked-looking-axe department. ]

[tacticalturtleneck]

Yeah, maybe if you're one of those asshole kids from the 90s who always posts on Facebook with the "SHARE IF YOU DRANK WATER FROM THE HOSE, RODE A BIKE WITHOUT A HELMET, AND GOT BEAT BY MY PARENTS. I'M A STRONG HUMAN WHO DON'T NEED NO REGULATIONS" type of bullshit.

[herotypical]

-- Facebook?

[ dude she's no '90s raised it hurts. ] Ew. Who wants a book just for faces? That sounds...gross. [ huff. ] And-slash-or indecent.

[tacticalturtleneck]

Get with the times. Facebook is where all the cool people are these days. Get your fair share of duck-lips and photo-shopped muscles all in one place!

Seriously, it sucks. Be glad you never even heard of it.

[herotypical]

And what times are the ones I'm supposed to be getting with, huh?

[ toss aside a dagger. toss aside a crossbow. ah. axe-y goodness. buffy hefts a short-handled blade with a fine ornamented blade. pretty. and sharp. ]

[tacticalturtleneck]

Not the London Times. Or the New York Time either!

[Nice question dodge?? Totally throwing a claymore on his back and now fingering bows.]

[herotypical]

[ she looks up from her choice -- fingers still curled possessively around the leather-worked grip of a good axe. the claymore (she begrudgingly admits) is an impressive piece. more than half the size of her, but an impressive piece. good enough for him, if he even knows how to use it.

that question can come later. ]

Yawn. London's all tea'n'crumpets and I have it on good authority that New York is really just the world's dumpster for crumpled fliers. [ she notes the dodge but doesn't care. ] Or...whatever. Maybe they're worth looking into. It's not like I have a place to be any more. Back home, I mean. Not -- not like this Drabwurld counts.

[tacticalturtleneck]

You're....going to have to be a little more specific.

Unless this is one of those "I died and God hates me and Satan is afraid of me so I'm fucked in a badass way" kind of things.

[Yesss, longbows. He prefers the rapid rate of fire of a bow over the easier accuracy of a crossbow. In weapons, at least, Archer has good taste.]

[herotypical]

Oh. [ pfft. ] It's nothing like that.

[ more like she died twice and heaven was awesome but apparently buffy summers isn't allowed to have nice things so here she is. ]

My place -- well, it's now much less a hometown and more a...home-crater.

[tacticalturtleneck]

Blame Russia. They're always losing nuclear bombs to someone.

[God, arrows too. But really, the red threat is real.]

[herotypical]

Yeah. Sure. [ she crosses the room again -- peering a little more closely at his haul. ] Musta been the Ruskies. Thanks for the tip.

[ it's easier than trying to explain the concept of a first and original evil, after all. ] -- Do you shoot?

[ she gestures at the bow. ]

[tacticalturtleneck]

Uh, duh? Bows are pretty much the best weapon for silent killing. What kind of secret agent doesn't know how to use one?

[Buffy is also welcome for the tip. Not that she actually cares or anything.]

[herotypical]

And the sword? Don't you think it's just a little overkill?

[ a twinkle in her eye. she likes to have fun, even at the expense of good sense or preparedness. ]

[tacticalturtleneck]

How the hell am I supposed to be Mel Gibson without one? Cracking skulls while screaming FREEDOM sounds like the perfectly American thing to do.

[herotypical]

American -- sure. Whatever you say.

[ she crinkles her nose and decides not to play the killjoy who points out the obvious. instead she waggles a finger at the claymore on archer's back and asks a very mild: ] May I?

[ see. hold. swing. inspect. pick your verb. ]

[tacticalturtleneck]

Yes you may touch my very long and dangerous sword.

[Grabbing it and passing it over.]

....what, you were practically asking for that joke!

[herotypical]

Calm down, Freud. I just wanted to --

[ ah. there we go. buffy doesn't go out of her way to make the sword seem familiar in her grip, but there's something to be said for so petite a woman managing to hold the claymore off the ground without much issue of balance. she flips its blade; she inspects its edge. ] God. They keep'em sharp down here. And no lock on the door.

Do they even care?

[tacticalturtleneck]

It's not like they have grenades and rocket launchers down here. Swords aren't exactly what I classify weapons of destruction.

Hell, didn't only like 9% of kills in the medieval times get caused by swords?

[Archer knows dumb weapon facts. Don't ask why.]

[herotypical]

I dunno. What if one of them is possessed? [ one of the swords, she means. a possessed sword. ] Seems like that's worth at least five rocket launchers.

[ welcome to buffy's war economy. ]