IC Contact

[tacticalturtleneck]

[Pick your poison.]


1. Hey, this is Archer. How are you doing? [A pause.] Great, glad to hear it! Also glad to hear you're talking to an automated message. HAHA, SUCKER! Leave one!

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2. Holy shit, did you just see that?! [Paaaaaaaause.] That was you falling for the answering machine trick again! God, when you are going to learn?

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3. Welcome to Ask Archer, where you can ask me what you want and I'll answer your question in public and embarrass you in front of everyone. Maybe you'll learn something. Leave it.

Comments

[tacticalturtleneck]

Not the London Times. Or the New York Time either!

[Nice question dodge?? Totally throwing a claymore on his back and now fingering bows.]

[herotypical]

[ she looks up from her choice -- fingers still curled possessively around the leather-worked grip of a good axe. the claymore (she begrudgingly admits) is an impressive piece. more than half the size of her, but an impressive piece. good enough for him, if he even knows how to use it.

that question can come later. ]

Yawn. London's all tea'n'crumpets and I have it on good authority that New York is really just the world's dumpster for crumpled fliers. [ she notes the dodge but doesn't care. ] Or...whatever. Maybe they're worth looking into. It's not like I have a place to be any more. Back home, I mean. Not -- not like this Drabwurld counts.

[tacticalturtleneck]

You're....going to have to be a little more specific.

Unless this is one of those "I died and God hates me and Satan is afraid of me so I'm fucked in a badass way" kind of things.

[Yesss, longbows. He prefers the rapid rate of fire of a bow over the easier accuracy of a crossbow. In weapons, at least, Archer has good taste.]

[herotypical]

Oh. [ pfft. ] It's nothing like that.

[ more like she died twice and heaven was awesome but apparently buffy summers isn't allowed to have nice things so here she is. ]

My place -- well, it's now much less a hometown and more a...home-crater.

[tacticalturtleneck]

Blame Russia. They're always losing nuclear bombs to someone.

[God, arrows too. But really, the red threat is real.]

[herotypical]

Yeah. Sure. [ she crosses the room again -- peering a little more closely at his haul. ] Musta been the Ruskies. Thanks for the tip.

[ it's easier than trying to explain the concept of a first and original evil, after all. ] -- Do you shoot?

[ she gestures at the bow. ]

[tacticalturtleneck]

Uh, duh? Bows are pretty much the best weapon for silent killing. What kind of secret agent doesn't know how to use one?

[Buffy is also welcome for the tip. Not that she actually cares or anything.]

[herotypical]

And the sword? Don't you think it's just a little overkill?

[ a twinkle in her eye. she likes to have fun, even at the expense of good sense or preparedness. ]

[tacticalturtleneck]

How the hell am I supposed to be Mel Gibson without one? Cracking skulls while screaming FREEDOM sounds like the perfectly American thing to do.

[herotypical]

American -- sure. Whatever you say.

[ she crinkles her nose and decides not to play the killjoy who points out the obvious. instead she waggles a finger at the claymore on archer's back and asks a very mild: ] May I?

[ see. hold. swing. inspect. pick your verb. ]

[tacticalturtleneck]

Yes you may touch my very long and dangerous sword.

[Grabbing it and passing it over.]

....what, you were practically asking for that joke!

[herotypical]

Calm down, Freud. I just wanted to --

[ ah. there we go. buffy doesn't go out of her way to make the sword seem familiar in her grip, but there's something to be said for so petite a woman managing to hold the claymore off the ground without much issue of balance. she flips its blade; she inspects its edge. ] God. They keep'em sharp down here. And no lock on the door.

Do they even care?

[tacticalturtleneck]

It's not like they have grenades and rocket launchers down here. Swords aren't exactly what I classify weapons of destruction.

Hell, didn't only like 9% of kills in the medieval times get caused by swords?

[Archer knows dumb weapon facts. Don't ask why.]

[herotypical]

I dunno. What if one of them is possessed? [ one of the swords, she means. a possessed sword. ] Seems like that's worth at least five rocket launchers.

[ welcome to buffy's war economy. ]

[tacticalturtleneck]

...let's just say if one was. Would I be able to summon unlimited succubuses...succubi with it? Hypothetically, of course.

[This is Archer's war economy.]

[herotypical]

Everyone things a brace of succubi would be a rollicking good time until they turn out to -- I don't know. You probably don't wanna hear. It's not a pretty story.

[ oh she is certainly baiting his interest. playing it all cool and unlikely when she's just dying for him to ask about all the horrible things a succubus would do to him. ]

[tacticalturtleneck]

What, no! You asshole! Tell the whole story or don't say it at all! This is how quests for revenge start!

[herotypical]

Like -- listen, okay? [ she thrusts the claymore's hilt back into his hands. ] What if you go through your day thinking someone else is a perfect acceptable engine-revving dreamboat of looker, but it turns out it's all one very clever ruse and she's actually out to make you the sacrificial father of her way-creepy insect demon babies. Huh?

[ true story. granted, miss french hadn't been a succubus. but damn, she'd whipped those boys into a frothy mad mess. demon pheromones. ]

[tacticalturtleneck]

That happens all the time. It's called child-support.

[Taking that claymore back. And tossing back into leather sheath on his back.]

[herotypical]

Does child support usually involve decapitation?

[tacticalturtleneck]

You'd be surprised how much the court favors women versus men.

[herotypical]

Oh, boo hoo. [ can you hear the daddy issues just wafting off this one? though the court is hardly to blame; hank summers skipped out on them. she almost would have preferred it if he'd bothered to put up a legal fight. ]

The point remains: succubi suck. And not in the way you want them to.

[tacticalturtleneck]

[It's okay, his mommy issues are probably a gajillion times worse. God forbid anyone app Mallory.]

Then where the hell am I supposed to find real semon demons?

[herotypical]

You don't. Because that's gross.

[tacticalturtleneck]

You're ruining my vibes here! My long, hard, sword vibes!