IC Contact

[tacticalturtleneck]

[Pick your poison.]


1. Hey, this is Archer. How are you doing? [A pause.] Great, glad to hear it! Also glad to hear you're talking to an automated message. HAHA, SUCKER! Leave one!

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2. Holy shit, did you just see that?! [Paaaaaaaause.] That was you falling for the answering machine trick again! God, when you are going to learn?

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3. Welcome to Ask Archer, where you can ask me what you want and I'll answer your question in public and embarrass you in front of everyone. Maybe you'll learn something. Leave it.

Comments

[herotypical]

I prefer to call them flying fatalities.

[tacticalturtleneck]

What are you, Top Gun?

[Hilarious, except not. More Danger Zone shit, probably.]

How far are we going, holy shit? I feel the shrinkage coming on already.

[herotypical]

[ what is she?

oh. so. okay. he's making a joke, but with them on their merry little way to dispatch some vamps? she might as well tell him: ] I'm the Slayer. Serious. No jokes about metal bands required. That is -- legitimately -- what I'm called.

The Slayer. [ ... ] Vampire Slayer. If you wanna be specific.

[tacticalturtleneck]

How the hell am I not supposed to make a metal joke when that name is so freaking metal!

[Just saying. It's a lot better than "Dutchess" fyi but Buffy never needs to find out about that.]

[herotypical]

[ oh no buffy so needs to find out about that. the end. ]

Ix-nay on the oke-jays. But flattery is always welcome.

[ yes do please tell her how metal she is. ]

[tacticalturtleneck]

What, do you have a ghost behind you who is going to haunt me if I do it? Serious question. And will flattery get me laid? Also serious.

[The last time he'll bring it up, he swears!!!!]

[herotypical]

-- Is that all you think about?

[tacticalturtleneck]

It's on my mind about 10% of the time.

[Pulling out a flask and taking a swig.]

Alcohol the other 90%.

[herotypical]

[ her pace actually slows now. deal with it. ]

How the hell do you ever get anything done? Ever?

[tacticalturtleneck]

If you would have read my books or watched my T.V. show, you'd know my secret is being drunk all the time.

[Shaking his head at this plebe who hasn't even experienced Archer culture.]

What's the freaking hold up?

[herotypical]

What's the--? [ huff. her breath clouds on the air. ] The hold-up is me realizing for the umpteenth time how very screwed this whole spire is.

[tacticalturtleneck]

If you have a problem, it's you! This place is absolutely perfect!

[He thinks she's talking about the layout and she's somehow lost. Woooooo, mistakes.]

[herotypical]

Perfectly headed for disaster, I think you mean. Directing under the influence? That has gotta be against someone's regulations. Somewhere.

[ how can this much of an uptight prude command so much raw primal power? QUESTION FOR THE AGES. ]

[tacticalturtleneck]

Do you see me stumbling and falling? No, you don't! Besides, do you literally want me dead???

[herotypical]

Do you want me to answer honestly?

[ oh 2edgy4u. except buffy actually would rather he not die, all attitude aside. damn that chosen destiny and dutiful compassion for mankind, etc. ]

[tacticalturtleneck]

I'm pretty sure if I say yes, you're going to say 'Please give me the D' so I'm not even worried.

Seriously, if I stopped drinking now, I'm pretty sure the cumulative hangover would literally kill me.

[Serious answer. Both of those.]

1/2

[herotypical]

It's so not the hangover that kills you.

[ ... ]

2/2

[herotypical]

-- W-would it?

[ oh great now she's actually doubting her own knowledge. she must be sick. where are they, stockholm? ]

[tacticalturtleneck]

I've been constantly drunk since I was like 16 years old. Yeah, it'll kill me.

[LIVING THE LIFE, BUFFY.]

[herotypical]

That's --

[ depressing. ]

You have a problem. Has anyone told you that you have a problem?

[tacticalturtleneck]

I have a lot of problems. All of them solved by drinking. Thanks for caring, come again.

[Fuck da doctors.]

Seriously, the prohibition era was like a billion years ago, why do you care?

[herotypical]

I care 'cause if your boat gets to sinking under the weight of a hundred proverbial DUIs, I'm the innocent bystander sinking with it.

[ emphasis on the innocent ok. ]

[tacticalturtleneck]

First, I always outrun the cops. Second, fuck the police. Third, fuck the police.

[Fuck the police.]

[herotypical]

[ ugh give her a moment to wrap her head around this. ]

Aren't spies, like, under that big ol' governmental umbrella? Aren't you therefore supposed to be pro-cop?

[ not that she's pro-cop. sunnydale's finest never left her feeling all that encouraged. but she's surprised to hear this from archer.

somehow. really. at this point she just needs to stop being surprised by anything. ]

[tacticalturtleneck]

What, you think I work for the CIA?

[Laughing out loud, literally.]

Hahaha, oh my god. Why would I even be caught anywhere near a bunch of amateurs like that?