Archer's Will

[tacticalturtleneck]

Dear me...or whoever is reading this,

When I'm gone, read this in public in like...every place possible. Starting at the next sentence.

Fuck the Seelie.

Alright, losers. For some reason, I totally didn't survive. Which means all my things are getting distributed properly because I'm not some kind of wild creature, unlike some of you. So let's start this off right.

1. All rights and titles that belong to me (blah blah blah Baron, Archerpoint, etc) is now transferred to...uh. Shit. Balem Abrasax. Holy shit what a metal name. Seriously, you deserve this. Even if I did randomly pick your name off a list. Seriously, get a saxophone because you could give Bill Clinton a run for his money. Right. So spire, port, title, and Military Academy and city belong to you, Mr. KISS.

2. As for Archer Point's sports fields, open air gardens, and all related accessories, these now unconditionally belong to one (1) crazy girl named Lumina. Funding for upkeep of these will be taken out of the spire's income. Which, uh, the treasury is at about nothing right now because I totally didn't embezzle every spare coin available for myself. Not at all. She loses all rights to this if she refuses to watch any movies related to the Star Wars series and does not spoil Darth Wark to his content.

3. Speaking of spare coin, half of my personal money will be transferred to an account belonging to Professor Spaniard, along with half of my booze collection. Because he's my bro and pal. Even if he is a dirty Britbong.

4. One quarter of my personal money shall be transferred to Sea Jesus (the Outsider). Along with that, he will be given ownership of the Sterling Bullet, the world's fastest ocean sailing vessel (TM). This comes with conditions. The current crew and captain shall remain as long as they uphold the agreements they previously agreed to. Both parties are aware of said agreement. A breach in that agreement shall have punishment metted and decided by Sea Jesus.

5. The last quarter of my personal money goes to Javik. Because holy shit, E.T. is phoning home. Rock on and wipe out those Reapers, bro.

6. The last half of my booze collection is willed to a Rin Tohsaka so she can learn what it's like to get rabidly drunk and stop being such a stuck up prude. God, seriously. You show off your underwear but you can't even sleep with a guy? If you don't drink it all, it all goes everyone at Archerpoint so they can enjoy life for real. And if she tries to sell it, fuck her. You hear that? Fuck you, Skelesaka.

7. That weird animal that was caught, that gets willed to Saber. Yeah, you can have it but it's got to stay where it is. Serves you right for not putting out either.

8. To every women who didn't have sex with me, including the above, are hereby willed a sign that says "Prude" and they must wear it for at least one day. I expect you to figure who everyone that is, lawyer dude. Might as well make one for everyone woman who has a shard, to be honest.

If I forgot anything, just give that to the new Baron guy. I'm sure he's got it under control.

THE END, ASSWIPES.


Signed and notorized,

Sterling Archer, now Former Baron of Archerpoint